


When I Close My Eyes

by krazyk2314



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader Death, Reader Insert, Sad Dean, Song Lyrics, reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-03 23:55:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10261949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazyk2314/pseuds/krazyk2314
Summary: Dean has a hard time coping after a horrible hunt.





	

Two weeks. The longest two weeks of my life, and I’m not sure how I even survived them. Maybe it was the empty bottles of whiskey laying around my room. Or maybe it was the pictures of you on my phone that I couldn’t help but stare at, wishing I could see your face at least one more time. To tell you all the things I had been too stubborn to say. Or it could have been because of my brother, who refused to let me drown in my sorrow. Even though I would have gladly, if it meant I could have been with you again.

There’s so many things  
I didn’t say  
And even though  
It may be too late  
I want you to know  
I still love you so  
Every car I meet  
Looks like your car  
Every movie I see  
You play the leading part  
You’re on my mind  
Can’t leave you behind

I still dreamed of that haunting night, where the werewolf was too fast, and I could do nothing but watched as it’s large, grotesque claws flashed your way, shredding through your gray t-shirt and skin, creating large rips in your skin. Fighting against my own werewolf, I had quickly killed it, before shooting the one crouching down over you. Rushing over, I had pulled you into into my arms, holding your limp body close to mine as sobs racked me.

It had taken both Sam and Cas to pull me away from your body, your blood covering me. “Save her!” I had pleaded over and over to Cas, who looked at me in dismay.

“It’s too late. She’s gone.” He had told me, and I felt myself collapsing in my brother’s arms, unable to hold myself up any longer. Y/N was gone, and I never had the chance to tell her how I felt.

Days passed, as I kept myself away in my room, only moving about the bunker when liquor, or my bladder forced me too. Like a zombie, I moved from my room to the kitchen and back again, never talking to Sam who I saw sitting at the libraries table. Taking a sip of whiskey, I would glance at the pictures of her on my phone, only a few, normally taken when she wasn’t looking. She never knew that I was always waiting for one of those moments, ready to capture her beauty in a picture. Wearing her favorite ring on a chain, keeping a part of her by my heart always.

When I close my eyes  
You’re all I see  
In the dark of night  
You’re in my dreams  
Throughout the day  
You’re easy to find  
You’re always there  
When I close my eyes 

Sleep was hard to come by, and for that I was actually thankful. After enough whiskey to drop a sailor, I would finally be able to close my eyes, only to be woken back up again. Y/N haunted me, day and night. But it was the night that I feared. It was during the darkened hours, when the bunker was completely still, and I felt as alone as could be, the memories of that night would play over and over in my mind, reminding me how I couldn’t be there for her when she needed it most. Watching as her face showed her fear, then pain before she fell to the ground, never to move again.

It was in the second week that Sam came bursting through my room, a plate holding a sandwich in one hand, a bottle of water in his other. “Dean, you can’t go on like this.” He told me, handing me the plate as I stared down at it. “Eat, then for god sake, take a shower. You stink like an old bar.”

“Why? She’s not here, I couldn’t save her. Why should I be able to live a life when she can’t. Sam, out of all of us, she was the one who saw a way out. Was looking forward to living an apple pie life. Now she can’t have that!” I yelled out, and Sam took it. Knowing I needed to get it off my chest.

“Dean, we both know that. But she knew, like we did, that there is always the chance of something going wrong. She wouldn’t want you sitting here, slowly killing yourself with whiskey and no food.” He insisted, and I knew he was right.

“Fine. But if I’m going to eat, it’s not your crappy sandwich. Let’s go get a burger.” I grumbled, standing up, feeling a little bit more like myself than I had since you’ve been gone.

In my mind I know  
You’re far away  
But here in my heart  
Nothing has changed  
I’m still holdin’ you  
Like I used to  
On a busy street  
In a crowded room  
Wherever I go  
It’s just me and you  
Together again  
Girl it never ends

Leaving the bunker had been the best move for me. Stepping out into the fresh air, my entire being still ached, but I knew this was what she wanted. Even though she had no idea how I felt about her, she wouldn’t have wanted me wasting away in that windowless room of mine.

Sliding into my forgotten place behind the wheel of my Impala, I patted her steering wheel. “I missed you girl.” I whispered, as Sam joined me. Pulling out of the garage, I made my way towards town, my eyes hurting from the sun. Driving through the streets, I parked in front of our usual diner. “Y/N used to love eating here.” I said softly, missing the sad look my brother passed my way.

Ordering a hamburger didn’t feel the same, without you bugging me about eating healthy. Munching on the burger, I couldn’t help but remember the way she would steal a fry or two away from my plate, laughing when I would catch her before popping it into her mouth.

“Maybe this wasn’t the greatest idea.” Sam muttered, tossing a couple of bills onto the table. Letting him lead the way, I walked out of the diner, my heart breaking at the fact that you would never order another of your favorite vanilla milkshakes.

Surprising Sam, I handed over the keys to the Impala, my head pounding, my hands shaky. I knew there was no way I wanted to get behind the wheel. What I wanted more than anything was to get back to the bunker, and drowned myself in whiskey to forget.

When I close my eyes

You’re all I see  
In the dark of night  
You’re in my dreams  
Throughout the day  
You’re easy to find  
You’re always there  
When I close my eyes 

As soon as Sam had pulled the Impala back into the bunker’s garage, I went straight into my room, grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the table. Sipping it, I plopped down on my bed, leaning my head back, letting the tears fall. What had seemed like a good idea at the time only reminded me how much I had lost, how much I had messed everything up.

I hadn’t realized it, but Sam had followed me into my room, standing there, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched. “Dean, maybe it was too early.” He whispered as I hastily wiped my tears away.

“Sam, it will always be too early. She haunts me, day and night. I can’t sleep, for fear of seeing her death over and over again! During the day I see her, in her favorite places. How am I supposed to get over her?” I pleaded with him, wishing he could take away the pain.

“I would tell you it gets better over time. Trust me, I know. I still miss Jess, and yes, I felt like I was torn apart when she died. But now, I cherish the memories of us together, knowing that the little time together was better than nothing.”

“But she knew how you felt.” I mumbled, taking another big sip of whiskey, needing the oblivion it promised to provide.

“Y/N knew.” Sam answered, and I almost dropped the bottle. “She overheard us one day, me trying to get you to tell her. She asked me about it, was planning on confronting you about it after the hunt. She knew, and she loved you to Dean.”

Tossing the bottle across the room, I heard the shatter as it connected with the brick wall. “Is that supposed to make it better? The fact that she loved me, but we never told each other?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m just trying here.” Sam said, before walking out the door, shutting it behind him.

When I close my eyes  
You’re all I see  
In the dark of night  
You’re in my dreams  
Throughout the day  
You’re easy to find  
You’re always there  
When I close my eyes

Wishing I hadn’t thrown my last bottle of whiskey, I turned the light off in my room, bathing myself in darkness. Laying there I closed my eyes, letting the memories of her drift through my mind. Memories of her smiling face, and her teasing nature. Memories of how strong and brave she had been. Knowing I had fallen for her that first hunt. Hopefully remembering the good things would keep the memories of her death away.

Finally relaxing into sleep, a smile on my face as I remembered the way she looked in the morning, her hair tousled, wearing an extra plaid shirt of mine. Missing the way the hall lights flickered underneath my door, or the sudden chill in my room. Letting the coolness of the silver ring press against my chest, reminding me I would always have a piece of her at my side. Missing the shadow of her standing at the doorway to my room, a sad smile on her face as she watched over me.

You’re always there

When I close my eyes


End file.
